When Jared Mortenson woke up, his twin brothers were still lying on his bedroom floor, fast asleep. He rolled over and looked at the clock. It was 8:20. Luckily his mother had said he could stay home from school. He lay in bed staring at the dark ceiling—black; the glow-in-the-dark stars had burnt out long ago. The faintest hint of light cracked through his long green curtains. His brother rolled over in his sleep and mumbled something with the word dad in it. Jared closed his eyes and just thought. He didn't really know what to think about, but he knew what he didn't want to think about. Jared was fourteen years old. Like any fourteen year old, he hated getting out of bed. Once in a long while, however, like today, getting out of bed really is better than lying there thinking.
He sat up on the bed, his bare feet hanging over the edge, inches from the fuzzy brown carpet. Hyrum and Hayden were out. One lay curled up in a ball, his dark gray blanket tangled around his short legs. The other lay flat on his back, his head turned to the right side, mouth open, drool dripping on the carpet. Jared began to wish he hadn't woken up. Staring blankly and jealously at his brothers, he thought he smelled the familiar scent of chocolate-chip pancakes coming from the kitchen. He dismissed it, telling himself it was his imagination; he was just hungry. He walked carefully to the closet and pulled his faded black hoodie over his head; he stopped for a moment to appreciate its warmness, placing his hands into the large pocket. He looked in the mirror, forced a half smile, and tip-toed his way around his brothers to the door.
In the hall, Jared again smelled pancakes, and he could hear someone in the kitchen. The tile floor was cold on Jared's bare feet. Upon touching it, a cold ran up his spine; immediately his legs and arms had goosebumps. He put one foot on top of the other and rubbed them together. After a few seconds, he switched and put the other foot on top. His mother wasn't much of a cook, and this morning was certainly not the morning he had expected her to take up the practice. He turned the corner and stopped, both feet on the ground, both cold feet. His father stood in the kitchen, pouring pancake batter onto the griddle.
Jared blinked a few times and wondered if he was still asleep. Any other morning, Jared would be skipping his way to the kitchen by now. Today he had stopped at the end of the hall and didn't exactly know what to do. His father hadn't looked up yet. He was still scooping out the batter into little blobs of chocolatey-chip pancake goodness. It was a rather frequent occurrence—Jared's dad would often call in late to work to make his kids breakfast—nothing too out of the ordinary. On this particular morning however it was extremely extraordinary; for this morning, Jared's father was dead.
###
Jared twiddled his thumbs. He stared at the clock; it was half past nine. The funeral would start in thirty minutes. He had been sitting there for thirty minutes already. It seemed to him as if an eternity had passed. Yet, he had one more to go. He looked across the hallway and saw his older sister Eva sitting on the couch with his two younger brothers. To avoid eye contact, he looked around the lobby. Everything seemed black, not just his tie, not just his sister’s dress, everything. The red roses on the mahogany table—black. The green carpet that lead down the hall of the chapel—black. The uncomfortable blue armchair he sat in—black. Even the smell of potatoes cooking in the kitchen across the church seemed black, not burnt, just black. He was hungry but didn’t want to admit it. At fourteen, he still hadn’t figured out why it was necessary to feast over the death of a loved one, but that’s how things were done. He would probably understand it someday. Today he would just sit there and laugh at family members he hardly knew as they recounted asinine stories about his father.
Jared’s father had led a rather asinine life as far as his family was concerned. His parents and siblings had always been less than pleased about his abrupt decision to marry Jared’s mother, who didn't even speak their language. Antony had abandoned his Spanish roots, his heritage, his traditions, and his family. They were certain she had brainwashed him into it. Rachel was a Mormon and Antony’s family had little doubt she would brainwash him all the way to the baptismal font. They were right, two and a half years into their marriage, Antony took the plunge. He respected his parent’s wishes but did what he felt was right. As for his family, let them worship how, where, or what they may. His family didn’t quite see it that way and had been bitter ever since. As a result, Jared rarely saw them. They would come for birthdays and funerals, to celebrate life and death. There wouldn’t be much of a celebration today however, not when it was their own son, certainly not when he had abandoned the Catholic Church.
A few minutes before 10:00, a short, stocky Mexican woman with short black hair walked through the doors of the church. She wore a long velvety dress—black, with a bow tied in the front. She had a string of beads hanging from the tie around her waist. It was Jared’s aunt Dolores. She stared up at the large painting of Christ hanging on the wall behind Jared’s chair. She quietly started mumbling something in Spanish under her breath; she crossed herself, not noticing her nephew. Yet she more than likely wouldn’t have recognized him; they hadn’t seen Aunt Dolores in years. And Dolores would never admit it, but the man in the painting hadn't seen her in years either.
Jared’s little sister Emery came out of the kitchen where she had been sitting watching her grandma toss a salad. She walked sullenly over to Jared’s seat and tried to hoist herself up to sit on his lap. Emery was always quiet for a four year old, but she hadn’t spoken a word all morning. Jared reached down to help his sister up and set her down on his lap. He glanced down at his dry, cracked hand, then reached up and played with his sister’s short blond hair. It was so smooth and shiny. He ran it through his fingers. He leaned down and kissed his sister on the forehead, smelling her hair which smelled of baby shampoo. “I love you,” he whispered with the faintest hint of a smile. She looked up at him with her light blue eyes and pale freckled face. “I think it’s time to go,” Jared said primarily to Emery, yet loud enough for his other siblings to hear as well. He stood up and took Emery by the hand and headed toward the double mahogany doors.
Jared entered the chapel to find it colder than he expected. His mother was sitting on the second row. He and Emery led the way, followed by Eva, then the twins. As they entered, a tangible hush fell over the already silent crowd; it was an even deeper silence, a perceivable stillness. Jared took a seat next to his mother. She had her long blonde hair pulled back in a pony tail that was obviously too tight, making her even more uncomfortable. She wore a long silk dress—black—matching the mascara running down her pale cheeks.
The casket sat at the front of the chapel; it was already closed. Rachel had refused to let her children see their father. Although she had decided on an open casket viewing, she had forbid her children to enter the room until the casket had been closed. She wanted them to remember their father for the man he was: cheerful, loving, full of life; not as he was now, cold, stiff, and lifeless. The image of their father’s pale, dead body was something she was determined to protect them from.
The floral arrangements were all very aesthetically pleasing, yet reminded Rachel of valentine’s days and anniversaries, those and the countless other occasions when Antony had bought her flowers just because. He had spoiled her and she was finally realizing, with the help of some gardenias, just how much she would miss him.
Jared too, was coming to that disheartening realization. He had had some trouble tying his tie that morning and instinctively had wandered to his father’s room for help. He made his way down the hall to his parent’s room, stopping at the door when he heard overheard his mother’s sobs; that was when it hit him. His father was gone. There would be no more help with his tie, no more. He pressed his back against the wall and slowly bent his knees, lowering himself to the floor, as the tears slowly began to trickle down his face.
When Rachel heard him crying in the hall, she jumped up from her bed and threw open the door. She stooped down and held him. There, next to him, on the floor, in the hall, between her own uncontrollable sobs, Rachel kept repeating, “Don’t cry. Everything is okay. Don’t cry. Everything is okay. Don’t cry.”
###
The pancakes looked more amazing than ever. Jared stared at the uneven stack on the plate. He turned and took a few steps back toward his bedroom, hiding from the man in the kitchen. The door half ajar, he could see one of his little brothers stirring as he lay on the floor. He wanted to wake them up, to make sure he wasn’t seeing things, or hearing things, or smelling things. He heard the toilet flush upstairs. Eva must be awake. That meant she’d be coming downstairs any minute. He was really nervous; his hands started to sweat. Would she see it too or would she think he was crazy? Jared sat down on the floor in the hall and stared into the bathroom across from him. Watching the rhythmic dripping of the faucet reminded him of the countless tears that had been shed in the past week. He wanted to cry now, but felt like he couldn’t.
Not that he was embarrassed, he just didn't want to cry anymore. Okay, he was embarrassed. Jared's father had never seen him cry. He was the strong, silent type. We don't cry—we don't talk about our feelings—we just, breathe. Life goes on. In a way, Jared admired this philosophy, yet somehow, he had always known his father was wrong, but he was too afraid to argue. So as far as Antony was concerned, Jared was a rock. But what did it matter now? If his father saw him cry? He was dead. He wasn't even really there. He was some figment of Jared's imagination.
Jared heard Eva come creaking down the stairs; he stood up. He wanted to stop her from coming into the kitchen, but what would he tell her? She would think he was crazy. You can't go in the kitchen, Why? Because Dad's there. Yes, I know Dad's dead, but he's still in the kitchen.
Eva was still half asleep and hardly noticed the sound of her father whistling in the kitchen. She walked right through the living room and the kitchen without looking. She was headed to the bathroom. The shampoo was out upstairs. She turned the corner to the short hallway that branched off to Jared’s room and the bathroom. She nearly didn’t see Jared on the floor either, until she stepped on his foot.
“Jared, move. What are you doing—“
“Shhh…”Jared said. He grabbed his sister’s leg, silky pink pajama bottoms and all, and pulled her down to the floor. He whispered in her ear, “Did you notice anything different about the kitchen?”
“Different? What do you mean?”
“You know, see anything weird?”
Eva poked her head around the corner of the hallway and noticed the steam coming from the griddle. Her father had his back turned to her; he was looking at the microwave, trying to figure out which button to push. He had always been rather technologically impaired. She froze. Jared watched as her jaw dropped. She let out a sigh of confusion. Her breath was not good; she had clearly not brushed yet this morning. “What the—” she muttered under her breath. “Who is it?” she finally asked, looking at Jared for an answer.
“I think it’s Dad.”
“Don’t be stupid Jer; that’s not funny.” But Eva knew it was her father too. She felt a sharp pain in her side. It told her something was wrong. “Well, let’s go see what’s for breakfast.”
“Chocolate-chip pancakes. What else?” Jared said. His father had made them so many times; there really was no question. Eva stood up and stretched her hand out, offering to help Jared up. Jared stared at her hand, her light brown skin, and just sat there. He was scared. But Jared had never been scared around his father. He was the one person Jared had always felt safe around. Yet somehow today Jared didn’t feel safe, he was afraid. He reached out his hand and grabbed his sister’s.
“It’s okay. We’ll go together,” she said, sensing his reluctance. She gave him a quick hug. The kind big sisters give little brothers to make them feel better; it didn’t work. Eva was a lot better at hiding her fear, but she was just as scared as Jared, if not more so. Somehow she managed to get behind her brother and they walked into the kitchen, Jared leading the way.
Trying too hard to be quiet only made more noise. Jared nearly tripped, and with all the ruckus, Antony looked up and saw his two oldest children sneaking their way to the kitchen.
“Buenos días chicos.”
“Hi Dad,” Jared said.
“Hungry?”
“Dad, what are you doing here?”
“I told Mark I'd be in late this morning; I wanted to make you guys breakfast. It’s been a long time since—”
“Papi!” Emery had came downstairs and seen her father from the living room. She darted toward her father, her short blonde pigtails bouncing as she ran. Before Jared or Eva could stop her, she was hugging her dad. He had bent down to pick her up and was holding her in a typical daddy's little girl embrace. She gave him a big kiss on the cheek and said, “Hi Daddy.”
“Good morning Emery Mae, did you sleep good?”
“I sleeped in Eva's room.”
“You did? Well that sounds like fun, a little sleep over huh?”
Jared and Eva stood and watched as their four year old sister discussed her sleeping habits with their dead father. Neither of them had a clue what was happening. Their father had been buried yesterday, they saw it. Then again, no they didn't. They had never seen the body? So was their father really alive? Or was this some sort of ghost? Jared had always thought ghosts were see through. They could walk through walls, couldn't pick things up, stuff like that. Right? But here stood their father, dead and holding their sister in his arms. Flicking her pigtails and kissing her forehead.
“Well are you guys ready to eat?” Antony said, helping Emery into her designated chair. “Where are the twins?”
“They're still asleep…in my room,” Jared replied uneasily.
“Well it looks like we all had sleepovers last night didn't we?”
Antony motioned for Eva and Jared to sit down and headed to Jared's room to wake up the twins.
“What is going on?” Eva asked, as if she expected Jared to know something she didn't. “I don't like this. I'm not eating those pancakes.”
“I think we should go get Mom.” Jared suggested.
“What are we gonna say? 'Mom you know how Dad's dead? Well, he's in the kitchen.' That'll go over well.”
“Well what do you suggest we do?”
“I don't know, I think we should go get Mom. I just don't know what to tell her.”
“We don't have to tell her, just get her downstairs and let her see for herself. I mean really, there's no way to explain this.”
“Okay, let's go wake her up.” Eva picked up her little sister and followed Jared up the stairs. They went to their mother's room and told her to come downstairs.; breakfast was ready. She asked who had made breakfast. They didn't answer. Then Emery spilled the beans.
“Papi made panqueques.”
“What?” Rachel sat straight up in bed. The look on her face was somewhere between depressed and disappointed. “You told her Dad made breakfast?” Now her face was all disappointment.
“No, we didn't tell her anything. Just come downstairs, please Mom.”
“I'll be down in a minute,” she said. She shooed them out of the room so she could have a few minutes alone. She went into the closet and cried. Then she threw on a bathrobe and opened her bedroom door. Jared, Eva, and Emery were sitting at the top of the stairs. Emery was fighting Eva, who would not let her go down the stairs. They hadn't wanted to go back without their mother.
“What is wrong with you two?” Rachel said to Eva and Jared. “Let her go.” She picked up her little girl and in the most confident motherly walk she could muster, headed down the stairs. Jared and Eva followed.
Hyrum and Hayden were sitting at the counter. Their father had poked his head into Jared's room to wake them up and found them playing X-Box. Naturally, they were pretty shaken up at first; they didn't even talk to him. He told them to go to the kitchen for breakfast, then went into the bathroom. They decided it had to be real; they had both seen him. They went to the kitchen where they talked about it and came to the mutual decision that it was definitely cool to have their father back. They knew right away he was a ghost, but that was okay. They had been playing Hunter: The Reckoning for a few weeks now, and the whole idea of ghosts seemed pretty sweet. Plus they could ask him all those questions about what it feels like to die and stuff. What else do you think about when you're eight years old? And as quickly as that, they were over the sadness they had felt at their father's departure from this world, because he hadn't really departed at all.
“Hi Mom,” Hayden said as she entered the kitchen.
“Hello boys.” She sat Emery down in her seat and then they all glanced at the bathroom door as they heard the toilet flushed. Rachel quickly took a double check; all of her kids were there right in front of her. Who was in the bathroom?
They all stood staring at the bathroom door as Antony washed his hands. No one said a word. Rachel started breathing very heavily. She wasn't sure what she would do. The children all seemed so calm about it, which made her even more uneasy. She listened intently as the water shut off and the person in the bathroom fumbled for the doorknob. When the door opened, Rachel stared at her husband. The one that had died last week. The one she had buried yesterday. The one who had made her children breakfast. The one she had loved for the past twenty years. She wanted to run to him, to hug him, to kiss him, to hear him whisper in her ear Everything is going to be just fine.
“Good morning mi amor,” Antony said with a smile. Antony's Spanish was about the only thing he had inherited from his mother. Rachel loved it when he would speak it to her. The voice was the same, the face the same, everything about the man standing before her screamed Antony. Yet, she couldn't bring herself to believe it. She convinced herself that it wasn't real.
“Let's eat,” Antony said. As he crossed to the kitchen, he grabbed his wife's shoulders and kissed her on the cheek. He opened the cupboard and grabbed a stack of plates. Then he started to dish up the breakfast. “How many pancakes do you want Hyrum?”
Hyrum didn't answer. He was watching his stupefied mother who stood with her hand on her cheek, a look of bewilderment on her face. The kiss had felt surprisingly warm. Not cold, as she had expected it to be. What did all this mean? She knew what happened when someone died; they went to the spirit world. They most certainly didn't make pancakes. She believed in visitations from the dead, but nothing like this. She had always imagined it reasonable for spirits to come to earth for an important reason. In fact her religion was practically formed on that basis. But somehow, pancakes didn't seem important enough for God to send her husband back. So how did he get here? She remembered praying last night, wishing for him to come back to her. She had prayed for her children; what would they do without their father? She thought about this morning, how happy Emery had been when she had announced that Papi had made panqueques. Perhaps this was some sort of answer to a prayer?
“Who's going to bless the food, Honey?” Antony interrupted her thoughts of prayer with more thoughts of prayer. She hadn't spoken to her husband yet and still didn't feel comfortable doing so. After his wife did not reply he turned to Jared. “Will you bless the food mi hijo?”
“Me?” Jared looked at his mom for help. She simply folded her arms and nodded her head. With his mother's approval, Jared said a blessing on the food. After the prayer, Rachel took a seat between her oldest son and her youngest daughter. There was only one thing on everyone's mind, except for Emery's of course: does Dad know he's dead?
“Well you're all awfully quiet this morning,” Antony said, handing his wife a plate. He took a seat next to Hayden at the end of the counter.
No one knew what to say. Finally, Jared couldn't take it anymore. “Dad, what about the accident?”
“Jared, don't,” Eva pleaded, her eyes welling up with tears at the thought of the accident. “Don't,” she repeated putting her hand on her brother's arm.
“What accident son?”
“Dad, you were in a car accident last week,” Jared said, ignoring his sister's pleas and her tightening grip on his right arm. “You were on your way to pick up Eva from soccer practice.”
Antony looked at Eva who had started to cry. His wife was in tears as well. Emery looked up at her mom and said something along the lines of, “Why you cry Mommy?” The twins were the only ones eating their pancakes.
Antony didn't remember any accident. He did remember picking Eva up from practice on Thursday. There had been no accident though. He could clearly remember bringing her home. Then he had read Emery a story and tucked her into bed. Antony couldn't remember anything out of the ordinary happening in the past week. “I don't know what you're talking about Jared. If I was in an accident, I don't remember.”
“Antony, would you get some orange juice from the pantry please?” Rachel choked out, holding back her tears. She wanted to get her husband out of the room. While he was in the pantry, she told her children to play along for now. “Just don't mention the accident and don't tell him he's dead. I don't know what's going on, but I don't think he does either.”
“But what are we going to do with him?” Jared asked.
“I don't know, we'll figure something out. But for now, just act like everything's fine.”
“I think it's sweet,” Hayden said. “Dad's back, what's the big deal?”
“Nothing Hayden,” Rachel was convinced that she was still dreaming. Her kids hadn't really woken her up yet. This was crazy. In a few minutes, she would wake up and her husband would still be dead, dead and gone. Right now though, he was walking toward her with orange juice in his hand.
“Here you go sweetie.” He poured her a glass and sat back down. He never asked another question about the accident. It was as if he had forgotten all about it.
After breakfast, the twins went back to their video games. Rachel told Eva and Jared to take a shower, and quickly distracted Emery with an episode of Blue's Clues. She sat on the couch with her daughter, giving herself a few minutes to gather her thoughts before helping her dead husband with the dishes.
“Do you need some help?” she asked apprehensively as she returned to the kitchen.
“Sure. I should probably take off pretty soon.” Oh good, Rachel thought, he's leaving. It was just a short visit. “Mark will have a fit if I don't show up by 10:30.”
“What…Mark?” Then she realized that her husband meant go to work. Mark was Antony's boss and a friend of the family. Suddenly nervous, Rachel told her husband he couldn't go to work.
“I'm already late honey, I have to go in; we have a board meeting at 11:00.”
“Well, I checked the kids out of school. Maybe you should stay home and we can do something, all together as a family.” Rachel was curious just how much her husband remembered and just how much he didn't. “What time did you get up this morning?”
“Around 7:30, I think. Why?”
“I just didn't hear you, that's all.” She had assumed the position of head dishwasher and handed her husband a plate to dry. Suddenly, she felt like her husband had never died at all. It seemed as if he had been on some business trip for the past week and had came home that morning, just in time to make pancakes and save the day. Then, thinking it over, she realized that the man standing before her was dead. Then she remembered something she had heard at church once about dead people. She stuck her hand out, as if offering her husband a handshake. He looked at her hand, confused for a second, then handed her the dish towel. The Scriptures sure didn't say anything about dish towels.
“I guess I could stay home, let me just call Mark,” Antony picked up the phone and Rachel panicked. She threw the dish towel at her husband. It hit the back of his head and fell to the floor.
“Don't call Mark.” She reached for the phone as Antony stared at her in wonderment. “If you call him, he'll talk you into going to work.”
“Well if I don't call, he'll be expecting me.”
“No he won't.”
“What? Why wouldn't he—―”
“Just, let me call, I'll let him know the situation.”
“Well I don't see what difference it makes, but if you really want to, here ya go.” He handed her the phone. Now he had to leave. “Where's Emery?” Rachel let out a sigh of relief—she wouldn't even have to get rid of him.
“She's in the living room, watching TV.” As her husband left, she sat down on the floor and stared at the phone in her left hand and reached out her right; she let it rest on the light blue dish towel which now lay on the tile floor. She picked it up and wiped her forehead, consciously slowing down her breathing. She pressed a few buttons on the phone, in case he was listening.
She stayed there for a good five minutes, just breathing. Then she stood up, replaced the phone on its charger and walked to the living room, dish towel and all.
###
Jared stepped out of the shower onto the fuzzy black rug. He dried off and stared into the mirror, his big dark brown eyes staring back at him. He looked more like his mother than his father, but he had Antony's eyes. Today was the first time he hadn't cried in the shower for a week. He had thought a lot though. About his dad. Whatever had happened that morning had somehow made him feel better. He had been so upset about losing his father but now, he was back. Even if it was just for one last breakfast. It had helped him to realize that there really was life after death. No doubt about it. The world didn't seem so gloomy, or so he thought as he was stepping out of the shower and staring at himself in the mirror. Then he brushed his teeth. His toothbrush was black. He glanced down at his wet feet; the lint from the rug had stuck to his feet, as it usually did, leaving them black as well.
He left the bathroom, turning out the light on his way. The twins were still in his room, playing the X-Box. He kicked them out so he could get dressed. He watched a short animated scenario between the twins' two characters—ghost hunters. They were arguing over how the supernatural should be treated; one arguing that they should rid the world of all “these monsters” and the other saying that they need not prejudge the supernatural. He thought about the events of the morning. He had at first been shocked by his father, a little bit scared, but he wasn't sad. It was a refreshing break from the sob-fest. The rest of the family seemed happier too, except for when he had brought up the accident. Maybe this was good—Dad was back and they could just forget about the past. Don't cry, don't talk about it, just breathe, life would go on. His dad had been right all along. What are the odds? He opened the closet to pick a t-shirt. Then he heard a knock at the door.
“Jared?”
“Just a second, Mom.” Quickly making a rushed decision, he chose his yellow Sponge Bob shirt, and opened the door for his mother.
“What's up?” he asked.
“I wanted to talk to you about…well, about this.” She entered the room and opened the long dark curtains, letting the sunlight shine in the dimly lit room. She started to straighten up the room, like Mom's always do, especially when they're nervous. As she was recovering a pair of Jared's dirty socks, he told her to sit down. She reluctantly sat down on Jared's unmade bed, somewhat self conscious about the lint from his white sheets sticking to her black capris. “I just don't want you to worry. I'm going to figure it out.”
“What are you going to do? I mean, I was thinking, would it be so bad if Dad stayed? Today's the first day I haven't cried…”
“I know honey. I just don't know what to think. In a way I feel better when he's here too, but there has to be some reason for this and I think—”
“What does this mean, Mom? Cause aren't you supposed to go to the spirit world when you die? Why didn't Dad go there?”
“I don't know.”
“Maybe he's here because of me; I prayed for Dad to come back, a lot. Maybe he's here because I prayed for it.”
“Well, you're not the only one, Jared. That's all I've prayed for this week too.” Rachel stared down at her son's clean bare feet, still a bit pruny.
“So, what do we do with him?” Jared said wishing his Mom would just tell him what to do. Sometimes he didn't like thinking for himself.
“I think we should just let him stay until we figure out why he's here.” Rachel hadn't thought how ridiculous that was until she heard herself say it. But she had said it and Jared had liked the idea. “We have to keep him in the house. If he goes anywhere, well, things could get complicated.”
“How are we gonna do that?”
“I don't know, just make up excuses. He's pretty easy to convince.” That was one thing Rachel had learned in their nineteen years of marriage. He was pretty easy to convince. “Well, I'm gonna go talk to Eva about it.”
“Do we tell anybody about it Mom?”
“No. Not until we know a little more about…” She knew they had to figure something out, but didn't really know what. So she just sort of trailed off as she stood up and left Jared to think.
He thought about Emery and how happy she had been to see her father. It really was gonna be okay. Children always have the best intuition anyway, right? He smiled as he turned off the X-Box and lay down on his bed. He stared at the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling. It didn't matter that they weren't glowing, because the good thing about glow-in-the-dark stars is that they always glow again. They come back. Just like Dads.
Rachel told Eva the plan her and Jared had decided on. She was fine with it. She had been beating herself up over the accident anyway. She could have ridden home from practice with some friends. Having her father back was a relief from the guilt and the heartache. It seemed everyone felt that way. So it was decided then, Dad was back to stay, well if not for good, at least indefinitely.
“I thought of something Mom.” Eva said. “In seminary I learned that when a spirit appears to you, you're supposed to shake its hand. That way, you can tell if it's a good spirit. Spirits can't shake hands right, because they have no body, but an evil spirit will try to deceive you by shaking your hand even though it can't; a good spirit just won't move, because they can't deceive you.”
“Yeah, I tried it; he handed me the dish towel.”
“Oh. Well who knows what that means.” She shrugged, then with an inquisitive look asked, “So Mom, what really happens after you die?”
“I don't know. Ask your father.” They both laughed. Laughed, for the first time in what seemed like forever. Antony's return had brought laughter back into the life of the Mortenson family.
That night, everyone slept in their own rooms. Antony wanted to read Emery a story before she went to bed. Rachel headed to bed without him. She had cried herself to sleep for so long, but as soon as she lay down on her red silk pillowcase and pulled those flannel white sheets up to her chin, she was unconscious, and for once Antony's accident didn't haunt her dreams. There was no blood on the driver's side window, no screaming EMTs, no woman apologizing—she just hadn't seen him. Above all, there was no stretcher. For the first night in a week, she didn't see Antony's dark brown eyes staring at her from the stretcher. Just Antony's dark brown eyes staring at her from the other side of the bed. “Oh!” She let out a gasp of surprise and fell off the edge of the bed. She hit the cold gray carpet hard and with a soft thud, the pillow slowly flattening after the impact. She tried again to control her breathing, breathing was something she had always taken for granted, but lately she seemed to be hyperventilating a lot. Maybe she was making up for her husband—breathing for two. She lifted her head and peered over the edge of the bed at her husband. His eyes were open, but he appeared to be asleep. Sure enough, his chest wasn't moving. She tried, but she couldn't bring herself to get back in bed. She picked up the red silk pillow and tip-toed out the bedroom, closing the door slowly so it wouldn't creak. She walked across the hall to Emery's room and crawled into her daughter's twin sized day bed. Emery woke up for a second and looked at her mother. “Mommy,” was all she said before drifting back to sleep.
“Hi baby,” Rachel said, kissing her daughter on the top of her blonde head. Goodnight. Rachel slept fine, no dreams, no eyes. Emery kept them closed.
###
May 1st, two weeks after Antony's return, the phone rang. Up until that point, the family had done pretty well at making sure Antony didn't answer the phone. On May 1st however, the kids were at school and Rachel was giving Emery a bath. Around 12:30 Antony entered the bathroom and handed the phone to his wife. “The phone's for you honey.”
“What?” Rachel was taken aback, unsure what to say or do. She started with, “Hello.”
“Oh, hi Sister Morgan. How are you?…I know. Oh, I still have your tupperware from that night you brought us dinner…Yeah, oh no, really, thanks again for that; it was so nice…Of course you can, well tonight, I guess after seven could work.” She looked at her husband as he bent down to talk to his daughter.
“Te quiero mi hija.”
“Te quiero Papi.” Emery smiled up at her father and raised her arms above her head, bringing them down quickly with a laugh, splashing the sudsy water.
“Well I'll see you at seven then…thank you. Alright, okay…bye.” When she hung up the phone, Rachel told her husband that the visiting teachers from the ward were coming over. “They said around 7:30. Then she realized that could be a problem. What would she do with Antony? “Umh…I think maybe Jared could use some help with his homework tonight. He mentioned he was having a hard time with his math, and his…Spanish.”
When Jared came home from school, Rachel practically pounced on him as soon as he came in the door. She took him into her room and sat him down on the bed. She started playing nervously with her long blonde hair. “I need you to keep your dad busy tonight. The visiting teachers are coming over after dinner.”
“What am I supposed to do?” He hadn't really had a lot of one-on-one time with his dad since his death.
“Well I told him you could use some help with Math or Spanish. But Eva has practice tonight and the twins are going over to Larry's birthday party. So you're gonna have to keep him upstairs.”
At quarter after seven, Jared stood at the bottom of the stairs with his backpack. His mom sat in the living room; she gave him an encouraging glance. He took the first step up the stairs, counting as he went. One—What was he going to say? Four—What if he couldn't keep his father entertained for that long? Women from church could talk a long time. Nine—What if his dad wanted to go say hi to Sister Morgan? Twelve—There he was, in front of his father's bedroom door. Knock. Knock. Knock. He opened the door and walked into the room. His father sat on the queen-sized bed with Emery. She was rolling around on the dark blue bedspread. “Hey Dad, could you help me with my homework? I don't get my math assignment and Mom said she can't help because the visiting teachers are coming.”
“Sure bud, come sit down.”
Jared pulled his black binder and his bright red math book out of his backpack. He set them down on the bed in front of his dad and took a seat next to his sister. “Hey Em, ¿Cómo estás?” He tickled his sister's knee. She laughed and tried to muffle a “Bien.”
Jared pretended to be stupid for about ten minutes, then started his assignment, purposefully getting a few problems wrong so his dad would have to take the time to fix them. He felt like things were going great. Then he looked at the clock. The glowing red led lights offered little encouragement. It was only 7:42.
“So have they announced the fathers and sons outing yet?” Every May the ward had a campout for the fathers and the sons. Antony hadn't been to church for a couple weeks; Emery had been “sick” and Rachel had to teach a lesson.
“Uh, yeah. It's next weekend. The eleventh and twelfth, I think.” Jared started to get really nervous. His father had always loved the fathers and sons. So had he; but there was no way they could go. He didn't know what he was going to do now. Change the subject. “I did need some help with my Español también.”
“A ver, let's see.”
“Well, it's just a vocab list; they're verbs. Could you quiz me?”
“Papi, I go downstairs.” Emery stood up on the bed and pointed at the door. “I want a drink.” She walked to the edge of the bed and hoisted herself down, her dress catching on the bedding, revealing her flabby little-girl legs.
“Okay, get your list out and I'll go get your sister a drink. Be right back.” Antony and Emery headed for the door.
“No. Dad, I'll go.” Jared stood up abruptly and scooped his sister in his arms. “I'll get her a drink. You can stay and check some more math problems.”
Jared tried not to seem suspicious but it didn't work too well. Antony stayed and Jared took Emery downstairs. They walked through the living room with a quick hi to Sister Morgan and some other sister from the ward. He got Emery some juice and started back up the stairs, Antony opened the door. “Oh, Jared could you bring me some milk?”
“Uhhh…sure,” Jared said worriedly, there was only a wall and five feet between them and Sister Morgan, she had surely heard his father. Jared turned around and headed back down the stairs. At the bottom he stopped, thinking of what he'd say if anyone should ask who the man upstairs was.
“Papi,” Emery said, pointing at her father. “Papi, come play.” Antony had been making faces at her and she started to laugh. Jared quickly turned and went back into the living room. Sister Morgan looked at him funny, as if asking herself what was going on, but then with a smile said, “And how old is little Emery now?” in the little voice old ladies always use to talk about little children as if they were talking to them.
“Four,” Jared said hesitantly.
“I'll bet it's hard on her; she must really miss her father.”
“Yeah, they were really close,” Rachel said, motioning with her eyes for Jared to leave. He got the hint and went to the kitchen for some milk. Milk for his dead dad. “How can he eat?” he asked his sister. She just looked at him, smiling with her bright blue eyes. He poured the cold, white milk into a tall, blue, plastic cup.
“Play with Papi,” Emery said as they crossed back through the living room.
“Oh, the poor thing,” said Sister Morgan with a pitying face.
“Yeah, she's always talking about how she wants to play with her dad,” Rachel said wishing she could get the sisters out of there. She had heard Antony and knew they had too. She had no idea what they thought, but it couldn't be good. She told Jared to take her upstairs and get her ready for bed; she would be up in a minute. Perhaps they would take the hint. Jared trudged back up the stairs.
Antony was lying in bed on his back, holding Jared's Spanish book high above his head. Jared set the milk on the nightstand next to the bed and sat down on the floor with Emery. His dad started to quiz him, while he played with his sister.
“Amanacer”
“To wake up.”
“Cantar.”
“To sing.”
“Chiflar.”
“Um…to whistle?”
“Yep. Chupar.”
“To suck.”
“Cortar.”
“To cut.”
“Desayunar.”
“To eat breakfast.”
“Discutir.”
“To argue.”
“Extrañar.”
“I don't know.”
“To miss someone.”
“Oh. Thanks.” They continued like this for a while; everything was fine too, until they got to the M's.
“Masticar.”
“To chew.”
“Matar.”
“To kill.”
“Morir.”
“To…die.” Jared hesitated on that one.
Hearing the word die, reminded Emery of the two words she had heard that week she spent without a father. “Daddy died,” she said looking at Jared and then at her father.
“What did she say?” Antony asked, suddenly alarmed.
“I think she said Daddy cried.” Jared wasn't very good at lying or of covering things up. That's why he was glad his mother had walked in at that particular moment.
“Hey honey,” she said as she entered the room. “Oh, it's cold in here.”
“Hi mi amor. How was your visit?” Antony asked, seeming to have forgotten all about what Emery had said at the sight of his lovely wife.
“It was good. How's the homework going? What are we working on?…Spanish? Muy bien.”
“Yeah, Dad's been a lot of help. Anyway, I'm gonna go help Emery change into her pajamas.” Jared wanted out of the room. The second his sister had said that, the atmosphere of the room had gone cold. His father had remembered, if only for a second; he knew. It had given Jared the chills, his goosebumps were back. As he helped Emery change her clothes, he said nothing. Nor did she. Somehow she knew something was wrong as well.
Rachel could feel it too. “What were you two talking about?”
“Just vocab…Besar,” he said with a flirtatious smile, hoping for a kiss.
“Ha ha. Funny,” she said. Suddenly it hit her that she hadn't kissed her husband in nearly two weeks; she had been sleeping in Emery's room since that first night. Surely he was suspicious about something. She probably should have kissed him. She tried to make her avoidance of the kiss as flirtatious as possible. She turned around and flipped her hair across her husband's face, then walked to the closet.
“Emery seems to be getting a lot better.”
“Uh…yeah I think so. Her fever has gone down.” Rachel said, knowing where this conversation was headed.
“So, are you going to sleep in here tonight? You know, if you don't want her to sleep alone, you can bring her in here.”
“Well, we don't want to let her sleep with us too much or she'll get used to the idea and we'll have her sleeping in our bed until she's Eva's age.”
Antony stood up and started walking toward his wife who was changing into her nightgown. He desperately longed for her touch. She saw him approaching in the mirror that hung on the closet door and immediately headed for the bathroom.
“Honey, why don't you go help Jared,” she said from the other side of the bathroom door. She heard the bedroom door open and close behind her husband. She sat down on the toilet and breathed a sigh of relief. She didn't know what to do. How could she sleep with him? It was after all her husband, but he was different. He didn't close his eyes and he was…dead. She couldn't do it. She reasoned with herself, weighed the pros and cons, and decided she would be sleeping with Emery again.
Jared was startled when his father came into Emery's bedroom. They were picking a bedtime story. “Oh, hi Dad.”
“Hola Papi. We're gonna read a story. Ven.”
“Okay mi hija. Can I pick the story?”
“Sure,” Jared said, answering for his sister. He still sensed some sort of indescribable feeling with his father around. Emery seemed to have forgotten, at least for now. Antony randomly picked a book from the shelf. The Berenstein Bears Go on a Ghost Walk. Jared heard Eva come up the stairs and go in her room. Emery got into bed, and Antony sat beside her to read her the story. Jared didn't want to abandon his younger sister but he could no longer support the feeling he was experiencing. He crossed the hall to Eva's room. He knocked on the door and could hear Eva was on the phone. “Eva,” he said to be sure she knew he was there.
“What? I'm on the phone.”
“I need to talk to you a minute.”
She opened the door. “What do you want?” she said, sounding as annoyed as she possibly could. She had her long black hair pulled up in a tight pony tail. Still wearing her soccer jersey, it was obvious where she had been.
“It's about Dad.”
“Well, I'm on the phone, can't you come back later?” She stared at her brother waiting for an answer. It became apparent that she wouldn't get one. “I'll come down when I get off the phone.”
“Fine.” Jared went to talk to his mom. She was still in the bathroom, sitting on the toilet, her head between her knees, rubbing her temples. She ignored the knock and the shout. Jared peeked back into Emery's room. She was nearly asleep, her eyes gradually closing. Antony had almost finished the story; he looked up at Jared as he cracked the door. “Goodnight, Dad.”
He went downstairs to his room where the twins were, of course, playing X-Box. He told them to turn it off. They whined. He stood in front of the TV and flipped the game off himself with his toe. He pointed to the door. “¿Qué te pasa?” Hyrum said, angrily.
“I'm freaking out about Dad, okay. I just wanna be alone. So can you please leave?” Jared didn't want to be alone. But he didn't want to talk to the twins about it either.
“What's up with Dad?” Hayden asked.
“He just kind of made me feel uncomfortable earlier, and he asked about the fathers and sons. We're gonna have to come up with a good excuse not to go to that.”
“What? Why? I love the fathers and sons.” Hyrum was obviously not happy about what Jared had said.
“Yeah, plus we'll have the best dad there.” Hayden said.
“What? You guys are crazy! There's no way we can go to the fathers and sons with a ghost.”
“Why not? Dad's the ghost, shouldn't he decide?”
“Don't be stupid! Dad doesn't have a clue about what's going on. And obviously neither do you two, now go away.” Jared was pissed. He seemed to be the only one who was taking this seriously. Eva was too busy with her cell phone, the twins were too stupid to realize that living with your dead dad is not normal, and Emery was just too young to understand what was happening. Even his mom had been weird lately. She said this was only temporary until she figured out what was going on; then they'd decide what to do with him. But how long were they going to wait? Jared didn't even like being alone with his father, which made him even more frustrated about the whole thing. He loved his dad so much but now, he couldn't even be with him without feeling…mad. He hadn't really thought about it before, but that's what he felt. He was mad. Mad at him for dying. Mad at him for coming back. Mad at him for being such a great father, even after he was dead. The way he acted around Emery, the way he always joked around with the twins, the way he flirted with Rachel. All of it made Jared mad. As he lay on his bed, he looked up at the stars again. Then there was a knock at his door, two quick knocks and then, “Jared.” It was Antony.
Jared took a deep breath. “Come in.”
The door creaked as his father slowly opened it and let himself into the room. His face carried a look Jared had only seen before when he was in really big trouble or when his father had come to apologize for something. “I just wanted to talk to you for a minute.” Jared sat up, to allow his father to sit down. In the back of his mind, however, he hoped that his dad wouldn't accept the offer. Antony sat down with a quick plop and stared into his son's eyes. “It just seems like we haven't really spent much time together lately. I mean, it's been what…two weeks since I got laid off and I haven't even found time to hang out with my Jer Bear.”
Jared's father hadn't called him that in years. He didn't know what to say. “Well, I've been pretty busy with school and stuff so…”
“I know, but I'm sure we can figure something out. What about fishing this weekend? Just you and me.”
The seconds of silence that passed between Antony's invitation and Jared's reply seemed to last for eternity. Jared was thinking of a way to dodge the fishing trip without sounding like he didn't want to go. Finally he said the only thing he could think of. “But it's the fathers and sons next weekend. Why don't we just go to that?”
“Alrighty. We'll plan on that, but in the meantime, don't be a stranger. I mean tonight was the first time we've talked in weeks Jer.”
“I'm sorry Dad.”
“It's okay. I'll let you get to bed.” His father stood up to leave. “I love you, son.”
For the first time in his life, Jared couldn't say he loved his father. That's when he realized that it was time for his dad to go. “Goodnight.” His father left the room and Jared stood up to look at himself in the mirror. He had bought himself eleven days. If his father was not gone by May 12th, there would be trouble.
###
Sister Monroe had indeed been suspicious when a man had answered the phone at the Mortenson's residence; when she heard the man's voice upstairs her suspicions were indeed confirmed. Sister Mortenson was seeing someone, and only two weeks after her husband had passed away. Before long, everyone in the neighborhood had started talking. Sister Levy had even seen a man through the window while driving down the street. A tall, dark skinned, chubby man with dark hair and a mustache. How she had seen the mustache, no one knew, she had probably made it up. Anyway, she had seen him and everyone had heard about it. Sister Johnson had even gone out to lunch with Sister Mortenson, and while there, her phone rang. The ringtone was Lady in Red, and she seemed very embarrassed to answer it. It was a well known fact among Rachel's friends that Lady in Red had been Antony's ringtone. It was after all their song. It appeared as if Rachel had moved on rather quickly.
Sunday at church, several sisters seemed to treat Rachel quite differently. Also, for the first time someone noticed that Emery had been home sick for three weeks now, but everyone else in the family was there. What kind of a mother leaves a sick four-year-old home alone?
Jared noticed the looks his mother was getting, whether she did or not. He had thought a lot about it and decided he needed to talk to someone about their problem. Between meetings, he approached the bishop.
“Could I talk with you for a few minutes Bishop?”
“Well of course you can Jared, come on over to my office.” They walked to the bishop's office, the bishop shaking hands with everyone they passed on the way, many of them giving Jared a pitied look. Once they were in his office, the bishop asked Jared a few beat around the bush questions about school. Finally, he asked Jared what was on his mind.
“Well, it's my dad…”
“Yeah, I know it's hard Jared. How can I help?”
“Well I don't think you understand Bishop, my dad is kind of…” Jared paused, unsure as to what he was about to say, then he reminded himself it was the only way to get things back to the way they were supposed to be. “He's…still at my house. He came back, like as a ghost or something. Anyway, he doesn't know he's dead and he just stays there all the time.”
The bishop had a very patronizing look on his face, which he tried to cover up before Jared looked up at him. He quickly replaced it with a sympathetic one. He really did feel sorry for Jared. He knew that the death had been hard on the family and that they had really shown tremendous strength on the outside, so he knew it would have been easy for Jared to feel shaken up about things. He figured Jared had imagined this “ghost” out of a need for companionship or maybe even attention. Trying not to sound condescending, he told Jared he would talk to his mother about it and they would do something about it right away.
“But you can't tell my mom. She told me not to tell anyone; she'll be mad at me. I was wondering if you could just come over and make him leave. You can do that, with the priesthood right?”
“Well, son, I could. But I think I should talk to your mother first. Is that alright?”
“No, you can't. Please just…” Instantly, Jared knew that he had made a mistake. He stood up quickly. “I have to go. Please don't tell my mom.”
“Jared—”
Jared walked out of the bishop's office and went straight to the men's room without speaking to anyone. He went into the last stall, stood in front of the toilet, and just cried. For two weeks he hadn't shed a tear. They all came out now. At first he was alone, then a father came in with his little boy, barely tall enough to go standing up. His father went into the stall with him.
“You need help Trevor?”
“No thanks, Daddy. I got it. I'm a big boy.”
“Yes, you are. But can Daddy help?”
Jared blocked them out. He didn't want to hear the word Daddy, or Dad, or Father, or Papi. He just wanted his father to leave him alone. If his father didn't leave, he would never move on. How do you deal with loss if you never really lose? He pulled out some toilet paper to blow his nose. Then he started to sob; he could no longer stand up. He fell to his knees. That's when Jared realized he couldn't remember the last time he had prayed. Praying is what had brought his father back in the first place. Praying could make him go away. So there on the cold, hard, speckled brown floor of the bathroom, Jared started to pray. The father and son had left, so he felt it was okay to pray aloud.
“Father in heaven, I thank thee for what thou has given me. Father, I love my family so much and I'm thankful for my dad. Heavenly Father, I know I prayed for my dad to come back when he died, but now…we need him to go away. Please bless, Heavenly Father, that he will leave us alone. Please Heavenly Father, make him go away…Make my dad go away…Make him go away.”
By now Jared was sobbing so hard he could hardly breathe. He closed his prayer in the name of his Savior and said Amen. After his prayer, he thought he would feel better. He didn't. Jared had never prayed for something so…so horrible before. He felt guilty, yet at the same time, having never prayed so earnestly before either, he felt rather spiritual. However, he still felt sick inside. His father was still there, at his house, playing with his little sister. He blew his nose again and wiped his tears. There wasn't much left in him to cry, so he stood back up and unlocked the stall. The steel handle felt cold on his tear covered fingertips. He walked out of the bathroom. The hall was relatively empty. Everyone was in their classes. He wanted to leave, but was afraid to go home—Dad was home. Jared hated not loving his father. That was the reason he wanted him to leave.
He walked slowly down the hall staring at the checkered blue carpet as he drug his feet. He tried to force his father out of his mind; he let his mind wander to the Spanish vocabulary list he needed to have memorized by tomorrow. Chiflar. He kept walking. Desayunar. He passed a picture of the Savior breaking bread. Discutir. A little girl was laughing down the hall behind him. Extrañar. He continued like this for a while; everything was fine too, until He got to the M's. Morir. Jared hesitated on that one. He looked up at a painting of Christ leaving the tomb.
Eva came down the hall and asked her brother if he was okay.
“No.”
“What's wrong?” She grabbed his arm and they went into an empty classroom across the hall from the painting. The room was dim, the curtain closed, the light turned off. The heat was also shut off. Jared shuddered at the temperature change. He sat down on a hard folding chair and his sister followed his lead.
“Dad wants to go to the fathers and sons,” Jared exhaled. “I don't know what to do. I talked to the bishop about it and—”
“What? You talked to the bishop about it? What did you tell him?”
“Everything.”
“Jared, he's not going to believe you. Why did you do that? Things were going just fine.” Eva looked into her brothers eyes as they slowly filled with tears.
“No they're not.” Jared stared back at his sister. He wanted to tell her exactly how he felt. He wanted to let her know that he couldn't stand having his father around anymore. To tell her how he felt empty and angry every time his father walked into the room, how he felt responsible for bringing him back and therefore, felt responsible for getting rid of him. But he couldn't. He didn't know how to talk about his feelings. He didn't know where to start. “I just don't know what to do about the fathers and sons.”
“Well, I'm sure we can come up with some sort of excuse. Jared, don't make such a big deal out of everything. Mom said she'd figure it out and it's not like Dad's doing anything weird.”
“Yeah.” He shrugged and looked at the wall, the bottom half brown, the top half white, with a strip of light brown moulding in-between. He stared at his sister's dark skin. She looked so much like her father. She was the only one with her father's skin. The rest were much lighter, like their mother. She bore the sign of her father's curse. The curse, however, was borne by all.
###
After church, Jared went straight to his room and waited. He knew as soon as his mother had changed out of her skirt, she'd be knocking on his door. Sure enough, she did. He had barely had the time to take his tie off, let alone change his clothes. “Come in,” he said.
“Jared, I talked to the bishop; he's sure worried about you now.”
“Yeah, I'm sure he thinks I'm crazy.”
“He doesn't think you're crazy; he thinks you're dealing with the trauma of dad's death in…well, what does it matter what he thinks? What matters is why you told him. I thought we were gonna figure this out ourselves.” Rachel tried to hide her agitation but she was frustrated with her son. The bishop had told her to keep an eye out for strange behavior and let him now how Jared was doing in a couple of weeks. She had to act oblivious of course, when asked if Jared had mentioned anything about seeing his father. That type of situation was exactly the reason she had told him to keep this quiet.
“So did I, but it's not working.”
“What's not working?”
“Nothing is working Mom. Dad's still here. You won't even touch him. Eva won't even talk to him. The twins sit and joke about the situation. And now he asks me to go to the fathers and sons campout. So you really don't see what's not working here Mom? He has to leave.”
“What? Leave? Jared, why do you want him to leave?” She had felt the same way for a while now, but couldn't bring herself to admit it. She couldn't stand being alone with Antony either. Something just felt eerie. After hearing Jared say those words, it seemed so easy to force upon him the guilt she had felt for thinking them. “I really don't think he's hurting anything; he makes Emery so happy.”
“Well Emery isn't the only person in this family.” Jared couldn't believe what he had just said. He had never stood up to his mother like this before. “How do you feel when you're with Dad? Honestly?”
“I love your father. Very much.”
“We all love him. That's not what I asked.”
“I feel good; he makes me feel loved, like I'm not alone.”
Jared's eyes again started welling with tears. He wanted to tell her. To tell her that she was never alone. That the five of them would always be there for her. Tell her that she needed to let go of Dad and try to move on. He knew this was eating her apart too. But if she wasn't willing to admit it, there was nothing he could do.
After his mother left, Jared quickly changed into his pajamas. He liked to be comfortable on Sunday afternoons. A few minutes later, while Jared was hanging up his slacks, the twins came into his room to hunt more ghosts. Jared told them to leave, that he didn't want them playing his X-Box right now. They didn't listen. Eventually he gave up and left. His father was in the kitchen making chiles rellenos for dinner. He walked past the kitchen and sat down in the living room. The moment he sat down, he looked up at a picture of his family standing in front of the temple. He stared at his seven year old self. His sister was ten, the twins not quite a year. Emery wasn't even thought of yet. He admired the beautiful white building behind them. He realized everyone was smiling. He held his brother Hayden in his arms. Hayden's bright green eyes seemed to draw his attention. Above the picture hung a sign that his mother had made at a church activity, FAMILIES ARE FOREVER.
###
“So we'll really be together forever?” Jared asked his Dad.
“Of course we will Jer Bear.” He smiled at his son the way fathers do when they're excited to teach them something. “No matter what, as long as we keep God's commandments, he blesses us with the chance to be with our families forever.”
“Why?” Jared said, looking up at the great white building standing tall before them. It was so big. He had never seen anything so beautiful. The feeling that had come over him was so peaceful as he sat on the bench and discussed eternity with his father.
“Because Heavenly Father loves you and I love you. So he wants us to be together. Familia is forever Jer.”
Jared looked into his father's eyes and kissed his cheek.
“I love you too Daddy.”
“Thanks mi hijo.”
Antony was holding Hayden and the three of them were waiting for Rachel, Eva and Hyrum to change and meet them at the bench for a family picture. They had just been sealed together as a family for eternity. Jared looked down at his little brother and Hayden opened his eyes. They were green and seemed to penetrate to Jared's very center. Jared smiled as he thought about forever with his baby brother.
“Do you want to hold him?” his dad asked.
“Sí.” Jared said, nodding his head. As he held his brother in his arms, Jared looked at the grass at his feet, his brother had closed his eyes again, but Jared knew they had been brighter than the grass.
When Jared looked back up, Eva and his mom were walking toward them. They had just come through the giant double doors that led inside the temple. Rachel carried Hyrum in her arms and as they approached the bench she couldn't stop from smiling. Her family was hers and no one could take them away from her.
“Hey guys. Have you been waiting long?”
“No, just a few minutes. Ready for a picture?” Antony held up the camera. A few minutes later they were standing on top of the bench and a nice old man in a gray pinstriped suit was telling them to smile. One, Two, Three…FLASH.
###
Families are forever. What exactly did that mean? Jared had always thought the idea of an eternal family was supposed to offer comfort and solace over the death of a loved one, not make it harder. Was his dad really going to stay forever? If that's what families are forever meant, Jared didn't want it anymore.
On another wall Jared looked at a picture of his father's family. His mother was a large Mexican woman. She wore the typical straight faced Mexican smile. His father was a tall slender man who looked a little out of place in the picture. The children all looked like their mother—Brown skin, dark eyes and black hair. Jared's father sat in front of his parents, between his two sisters. His four brothers stood behind his parents in a line, tallest in the middle and shortest on the ends.
His father had been the youngest of the seven children. Jared knew his grandparents had always been very loving people. He just hadn't ever had the chance to learn that for himself. After Antony joined the Mormon Church, they had basically disowned him. Saying that he had actually abandoned them first. Leaving the Catholic Church meant leaving the family. Catholicism was more than just a religion for them; it was their life, as any religion should be. Jared stared at the woman in the photograph. Estela. Her name was Estela and she was Jared's grandmother. Before the funeral, Jared had seen her once a year, on Christmas Eve. She had called him every year on his birthday. That was it. He knew nearly nothing about her, except that her English wasn't the best.
Jared thought for a few minutes about his grandma and her attitude toward his family. He put himself in her shoes and realized that it must have been a very hard thing for her to keep her distance. She truly must have been dedicated to her religion to give up contact with her son; how hard would it be to never know your grandchildren? Someone that strong and determined surely must have a lot of faith in what they believe. Though Jared didn't agree with her beliefs or her decision to disown his father, he suddenly had a deeper respect for her.
Then an idea came to him. Maybe she can help. She probably knew his father better than anyone else, even if she hadn't talked to him in years. Mothers just knew things about their kids. He decided that if his mom wasn't going to do anything about their situation, and if the bishop wasn't going to believe him, he was going to fix the problem himself.
“Jared, dinner's ready.”
His father's voice caught him off guard and he jumped. He didn't respond, just stood up and walked to the kitchen to join his family.
###
“¿Abuela?”
“Hello?”
“Hola abuela. Soy yo, Jared.” Jared had found his grandmother's phone number written on a calendar in his parent's room. He was scared to call her, for the obvious reasons, but also because his Spanish was not up to par.
In broken Spanish, Jared briefly explained the situation to his grandmother—Antony haunting the casa—Need to get him back to el mundo de los espiritus—mucho problema.
“¡Ay Dios!” His grandma dropped the phone and crossed herself. Spirits, be it the devil himself, or your own son, are no bueno. She had started telling Jared to tirarle sal or to darle ajo and about six other random foods that would somehow get rid of their fantasma. Jared tried to explain to her that he wasn't really a ghost per say and that he had eaten plenty of garlic, but he was still around. However, his lack of Spanish skills didn't quite convey the whole message.
“Ay mi hijo, ahorita voy.”
Before he could tell her not to come or to calm down, she had hung up the phone. Well, he thought, I guess Grandma's coming over.
About forty-five minutes later, the doorbell rang. Jared had been sitting at the bottom of the stairs waiting. He had to be the one to answer the door. No one else knew he had called her and he was not about to tell them. He opened the door and motioned for her to come in. Estela wore a long brown dress with green flowers on it. It was very apparent that she was a domineering woman. She had a friend with her. At first Jared thought it might be one of his four uncles. He soon found out it was a Catholic priest. Jared pressed his index finger to his lips and led them back to his bedroom before speaking a word.
Luckily the priest spoke English. Jared explained to him what had been happening the past few weeks, and he in turn explained it to Estela. She nodded, gasped, and mumbled a lot as the priest spoke. Jared sat and watched, catching a word here or there. The priest asked a lot of questions, questions that Jared felt were too intrusive. He didn’t understand of course, he could just tell he didn’t like them.
“¿Qué vamos a hacer entonces?” his grandmother asked staring at the priest.
“What do you want us to do?”
“I don't know; get rid of him.” Suddenly Jared felt worse asking his grandmother to take his dad away than he did for asking God to do it.
“Le vamos a expulsar—exorcisar,” the priest told Estela that they were going to exorcise the house. He explained the procedure to Estela in detail. Then he turned to Jared and asked him for a glass of water. Jared went to the kitchen, wondering what the water would be for. He had been listening intently to the directions the priest had given to his grandmother, and he hadn't noticed the word agua at all. He returned promptly with the water. The priest proceeded to drink. “Gracias,” he said, returning the cup to Jared.
“De nada,” Jared said.
“Okay, where is your father?” the priest asked.
By now, Jared’s grandmother appeared terrified. She sat on the edge of Jared’s bed, holding onto some beads, mumbling under her breath. It finally crossed Jared’s mind that his grandmother had expelled Jared’s father from her life once before. He wondered if there had been some sort of ceremony the first time. What did she say to him then? What would she say to him now? For the first time Jared noticed the cross on her necklace. The dim light of his bedroom reflected off of it, causing it to shine back at him, seemingly brighter.
Jared was still confused as to what would happen, but the priest didn’t look like he planned on explaining it again. So Jared opened his bedroom door and told them to follow him upstairs. They began walking and the priest began mumbling something under his breath in Latin. As Jared passed the kitchen, he recalled that first morning and the pancake breakfast. They passed through the living room where the family portrait hanging proudly on the wall caught his eye. As they started up the stairs, Jared thought of the night his father had helped him with his homework. He started to think that what he was doing was wrong. He looked back at his grandmother who was holding beads in her hand. She stared back at Jared flashing an encouraging smile. When that didn’t work, she pointed at the door to Antony’s bedroom.
Luckily Rachel was still at work, Eva was at soccer practice, the twins were at a friend’s house doing who knows what, and Emery was supposed to be taking a nap. Jared knocked on the door to his father’s room. There was no answer. He opened the door to find the room empty. Well the furniture was all there, but no dad. He looked around confused for a moment. Then he heard the water from the shower running. Dead dad’s shower? He wasn’t sure what to do. “I think he must be in the shower.” He said to the priest who seemed to understand, even though he hadn’t listened. The priest walked toward the bathroom door. Estela and Jared followed. He then looked at Jared and motioned to the bed. Jared took the hint and sat down on his parent’s bed. His grandmother followed the priest a few more steps then stopped dead in her tracks when the water from the shower shut off. The three of them listened intently to the clicking noise that meant the shower curtain was being pulled back. Antony coughed, breaking the silence.
Suddenly, the priest seemed to have an idea. “Escóndete,” he told Estela, pulling her into the closet. As he and Estela entered the walk-in closet, he looked back at Jared. “We’ll do it from in here. Just keep your dad in the room. Don’t let him leave and do not let him in the closet.”
Jared nodded. It was all he could do.
He listened as his father wiped the condensation from the mirror with his towel. The squeaking noise made him quiver. He stared impatiently at the bathroom door. He wanted to get this over with. When his father finally opened the door, he had a gray towel wrapped around his waist. He looked surprised to see Jared sitting there on his bed. He had that embarrassed look on his face, the one someone usually has when someone else sees them half naked. “Hey mi hijo. What’s up?” he said, heading for the closet to get his clothes.
Uh, Dad, don’t…” Antony had turned when he realized that Jared wasn’t the only one in the room.
Emery was obviously no longer napping. She had walked across the hall and pushed open the door. She came into the room, two fingers in her mouth, dragging her blanket on the floor behind her.
“Good morning my little princesa.” Antony said, “Did you have a good nap.”
“No nap. Siesta.” Emery said. She climbed up onto the bed to sit with Jared.
Jared wasn’t so sure that having Emery in the room was such a good idea. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t even know what was going on. Had the priest already started the ritual? Was his dad going to disappear any second now?
“Well I need to get dressed. So give me just a minute, guys.” Antony started for the closet again, this time his hand touched the knob before Jared could stop him.
“Dad, I think Mom called. She said something about dinner. I don’t remember. You should call her back.”
“Well give me just a second.”
“She said she had a meeting at 3:30 and you wouldn’t be able to call her after that.”
Jared didn’t even know what time it was. He only hoped that it was close enough to 3:30 that his excuse would work. Antony glanced at the clock, 3:26. He walked around the bed to the phone, picked it up and dialed his wife’s work. “Hello, could I please speak to Rachel Mortenson?” Jared was worried now, what would his mom say? She hadn’t really called. He stared at Emery, hoping she would have some words of encouragement.
Nothing.
He went to the closet, while his dad waited to be transferred to Rachel’s extension. “I’ll get you some clothes, Dad.” He opened the door slowly and as little as possible, squeezing his way into the dark closet.
“I need some clothes.”
“¿Qué haces aquí?”
“Hi honey, did you call?”
“Dále una camisa.”
“So what’s going to happen when you do it?”
“Chicken in the freezer?”
“Well, when we have succeeded, he will start to shake.”
“What time will you be home?”
“Then I’ll come out and show him my cross and finish the prayer.”
“¿Qué le dijiste?”
“Okay, dinner will be ready at 6:00.”
“Then he will be forced to leave.”
“What about my little sister? Is it ok that she’s in the room?”
“Alright. Goodbye mi amor.”
“Ya viene.”
“Go.”
When Antony hung up the phone, he headed for the closet a third time. Jared quickly stepped back into the room. His eyes again adjusting to the light, he handed his father a brown polo shirt and some blue slacks.
“Thanks Jer.”
Jared still didn’t know what to expect. Just wait for the shaking, he told himself. He let out a sigh of half relief as his father went back to the bathroom to change. He went to the bed and sat down next to his sister. She looked up at him and smiled. Neither said a word. When Antony returned from the bathroom with clothes that didn’t match, he joined them on the bed. He lay down next to Emery and stretched his arm out to pat her on the back.
“I guess I had better go start dinner. Your mom wanted me to barbecue some chicken.”
Barbecue some chicken. Jared sat and contemplated those three words. He wasn’t sure why, but for some reason, something about them didn’t seem quite right. Suddenly he realized, he hadn’t thought too much about it before. How did his dad eat? Then again, that didn’t matter now. His grandma was in the closet with a Catholic priest. His dad would be gone any minute now. He thought about taking Emery and leaving so she wouldn’t have to see what was going to happen. But really, nothing was going to happen. Jared patiently waited, saying nothing. His father lay on his back staring up at the ceiling.
Antony sneezed. It was loud and sudden, and it scared Emery. She jumped at the startle and turned to Jared.
“Salud” Jared said. He looked at his dad and then back to the closet. He watched as the door opened ever so slightly, just enough for a peek out. Antony turned and let his feet fall off the bed onto the floor. He sat up and repeated his threat. “I’m gonna go start on dinner.”
Jared didn’t know what to say that might keep him in the room. He had to think of something quick. “So did you still want to go to the campout on Friday?”
Antony slowly turned his head back toward his son. He smiled at him the way dads smile when there kids actually want to hang out with them. “Of course I did. Are the twins planning on it too?”
Jared stared at his dad, watching his mouth move but he hadn’t the slightest clue what his dad had just said. He didn’t know why he had said that. His dad had taken it so genuinely too. He didn’t know what to do. Jared sat up too. He wished his dad would just start shaking already. “It sounds like fun. Don’t you think?”
“Yeah, what do you think we should take for dinner?”
Again Jared wasn’t listening. He kept looking over his father’s shoulder at the closet doorknob which was turning back and forth as if someone were nervously turning it from the other side. Antony quickly stood up and walked toward the closet. Suddenly the door burst open, and the priest jumped out of the closet with a cross in his hand. He held it up over his head, waving it back and forth. Antony jumped back scared and startled. He did not however, shake or vanish. After a second or so, he realized there was an impostor in his home. He didn’t realize however, the impostor was him. He backed up to protect his daughter and son. “What are you doing here sir?”
The priest was mumbling holy words in Spanish and seemed to be oblivious to Antony’s question. He merely ignored it and kept spitting out his Santos, Padres, Espíritus. His mumbling made Jared uncomfortable. He tensed up but fought it to put his arm around his sister. Emery wasn’t crying. Antony told the priest to get out or he would call the police. He ignored him and slowly continued to walk toward Antony, swinging the large red and silver cross back and forth, back and forth. Antony reached back and punched the priest in the face. He fell back, letting go of the cross. It flew backward and landed on the floor inside the closet. Antony hadn’t punched someone in the face since grade school. He couldn’t believe what had just happened. What was probably most unbelievable was that before he had any time to think about the situation, his mother came out of the closet holding up the same cross. She took a few steps toward her son and stopped when she saw the priest on the floor, holding his jaw.
“¿Mamá?” His mother hadn’t step foot in their house since, well probably when Emery was born. He looked down at the priest and then back to his mother. “¿Qué haces aquí?” His voice was harsh and low pitch. Antony rarely got angry. After he asked his mom what she was doing there in the room, in the closet, a hush quickly fell over the room. “Jared, take Emery to her room please.”
Jared looked at the priest on the floor; he was dabbing at the blood on his upper lip. Jared reached out to take his sister’s hand. He didn’t know whether he should leave or not. He looked back at his father; his face was rigid and stiff, his eyes cold. It was the first time he could ever remember being scared of his father. That’s when he knew he needed to leave. He took his sister and quickly left the room. He took her to her room and handed her a doll and a brush for the dolly’s long brown hair. He returned to the hall and sat on the floor outside the door to his parent’s room. He listened as his dad spoke in Spanish in that same deep angered tone that had frightened them before. His grandma was screaming at the priest and from what Jared could tell, was refusing to speak to Antony. The priest obviously didn’t know why Antony hadn’t vanished into thin air. He couldn’t come up with any sort of explanation which seemed to be the reasoning behind Estela’s tantrum.
Antony kept asking his mother what was going on. She wouldn’t answer him. Suddenly the priest yelled over the noise of both the living and the dead. “Silencio.” The room fell silent. “Ya me voy.” There was some rustling of the priest’s robe, or maybe the bedspread; Jared couldn’t tell, but someone was walking toward the door. Jared stood up and darted into Eva’s room leaving the door open just enough to watch through the crack as he hid behind the door.
The priest burst out the door and ran down the stairs. Estela followed him out the door and stopped in the hall. She threw her rosary beads down the stairs and shouted something in Spanish. It certainly didn’t sound like a holy word. All Jared could see was the back of his grandmother’s brown dress. Beyond her he heard the creak of the front door open and a thud as it was slammed shut again. Estela turned back to the bedroom and stared in, taking a deep, very deep breath. She slowly walked back into the bedroom and shut the door behind her. Jared could hear her talking to his father through the wall, but not well enough to understand what she was saying.
He sat down on Eva’s bed and looked around her room. He hadn’t turned on the light and the dim sunlight that crept in through the cracks in the closed blinds cast dark shadows on the floor. The closet was open half way, and there was a pile of dirty clothes on the floor. A picture of Eva and Rachel sat on the dresser in a pink frame. There was a Coheed & Cambria poster on the wall. He wondered why the exorcism hadn’t worked. Was that man even a real priest? Why did he want to perform the ordinance in the closet? Was that why it didn’t work, or did the priest just not know what he was doing? Jared heard the door open in the hall and walked back to his crack to see what was happening. Emery was peeking around the corner of her room. She stepped out into the hall, then turned around and reached both hands above her hand to grab the doorknob, pulling the door closed behind her. Jared quickly pulled Eva’s door open and reached his hand around the door to wave at his sister. She saw his hand and giggled. He put his fingers and thumb together to make a puppet. He opened and shut the mouth of his hand. He watched as she laughed and walked toward the door. Jared quickly pulled his hand back, then slowly reached it back out as if it were peeking around the edge of the door. She laughed again. “Jewwid.”
She waddled her way across the hall and reached out to grab Jared’s hand. He quickly pulled it back behind the door and she came into the room. He grabbed her and picked her up.
“Hi Emery.” They sat on the floor of Eva’s room and Jared thought about talking to her about what was going on. He knew it was kind of ridiculous, but at least she would listen. “So what do you think of this whole daddy thing?”
“¿Papi?”
“Yeah Papi. He won’t go away Emery. I know it’s hard but we have to learn to live without him. Don’t you think? And if he just sits around here all day, well then what’s the point of letting him stay? We can’t do anything with him. It’s like having half a dad and I say if we can’t have all of him, I don’t want him at all.”
“Papi go bye bye.”
“No, that’s just it. Papi no go bye bye.” He stared at the wall that separated them from their father and their grandmother. He wondered what they were talking about.
After what seemed like hours or patty-cake and coloring, the door to the bedroom opened and Antony called out Jared’s name. His voice was back to its normal pitch and tone. Yet Jared still felt anxious. He stood up and held out his hand, helping his sister to her feet. They went out into the hall and Antony motioned for them to follow him into his bedroom.
Jared didn’t say anything. He walked slowly, following his father. He looked at his grandmother; she had a very stern look on her face. She sat on the edge of the bed and was still clutching the cross tightly in her hand. Antony sat down next to her and Jared stood in front of them, holding Emery’s hand, partly for her sake but mostly for his own.
“Your grandma says that you called her?”
“Yeah.” Jared looked at his feet. He rubbed his toes together, one foot on top of the other. “I wanted to talk to her.”
“Well that’s great Jer. You can talk to her all you want, and I’m sure she’ll be glad to talk to you whenever. But, you know that Grandma doesn’t really believe the same things we do. We can’t have her coming over here, bringing her priests to cast out evil spirits. If you think there’s something going on in the house, you need to talk to your mother or myself about it. Okay?”
“Okay.” Jared couldn’t believe what he had heard. Did she really tell him that they were trying to exorcise the house? Apparently she didn’t tell him that he was the “evil spirit.” But Jared felt like he had done something terribly wrong. He wanted his dad to be angry again, it was better than this disappointed that you didn’t talk to us about it voice. Jared had tried to talk to his mom, but she wouldn’t listen or didn’t seem to care how this was making him feel. He couldn’t talk to his dad about it because he was the problem. As he stood there playing with his toes, not talking to his dad, he realized that he never could talk to his dad. Even when his father was alive, they had always had trouble communicating. Don’t talk about your problems and maybe they’ll go away. But that wasn’t working anymore.
“Dad, I think I need to talk to you.”
The garage door interrupted that idea. Mom was home. Grandma sat up straight on the edge of the bed. “¿Raquel?”
“Rachel,” Jared said. His mom hated when she called her that. Rachel had stopped to pick up Eva on her way home from work, and the two of them came inside, expecting to find Antony barbecuing chicken. They found what appeared to be an empty house. They made their way upstairs. Jared felt a lump form in his throat. He knew that Mom and Grandma in the same room with Dad, dead Dad, was not a good idea. And it was his fault.
When Rachel opened the door she took one look at Estela on the bed next to her husband and her jaw dropped. She hadn’t seen her mother-in-law in years, and they hadn’t ended that visit on good terms. “Hello everyone,” she said. She crossed the room to the bathroom and looked at herself in the mirror. Then she put her keys on the dresser and with her back turned to the rest of them, hunched her shoulders. She turned around again and finally asked what was going on.
“Well Jared called up my mom today. He asked her to come over, and we’re just talking. I think Mom is going to stay for dinner. Is that okay?”
“Yeah, that’s fine.” She looked at her nails. “What are we talking about?” She felt apprehensive and wasn’t covering it very well.
“Nothing important. I’m gonna go start the chicken now.” Antony stood up and left the room. This was possibly the most awkward moment of Jared’s life. He looked at his mother. Their eyes met and she shook her head in a disapproving manner.
Estela listened for her son’s footsteps to reach the bottom of the stairs before she started shouting at Rachel. “¿Qué estabas pensando? Un espíritu en la casa con tus propios hijos. ¡Qué estupidez! ¿No sabes que les podía haber…? Ay”
Rachel hadn’t the slightest idea what she was saying. She had caught the words que, casa, hijos, and no. She pieced them together and came up with what house and no kids. Something told her this wasn’t right. She asked Jared if he knew what she was saying. He shook his head. Though he did understand most of what she had said, he didn’t want to tell his mother that she had put them in danger by letting Antony stay in the house. He didn’t even believe that himself. His father was not dangerous.
To Estela however, any spirit was a bad one. She continued to rant and rave, not concerned with being understood. Eva came up the stairs and was headed for her room. Rachel stopped her and motioned for her to join them. Eva was beyond confused. “What is she saying?” Rachel whispered.
Eva didn’t want to repeat the words back to her mother either, but she did anyway. “She’s talking about how dangerous spirits can be and how she can’t believe you would let your children stay here when you knew the house was haunted. She said we need to do another exorcism. Another exorcism? You tried to do an exorcism?”
“I don’t know what she’s talking about. Jared, did your grandmother try and perform an exorcism in our house?”
Jared didn’t want to answer any more questions. He wanted to get out of there. He was sick of being chastised for doing what he thought was the right thing. “Like Dad said, I called her. I asked her for help, and she came over with some priest. I didn’t know what to do.”
“Oh, well that’s just great!” Rachel threw her arms up in the air. “Jared, is there anyone else you want to tell about your dead father? I thought we all agreed not to tell anyone.”
“I thought we all agreed to get rid of him eventually.”
Rachel stared at her son. She spoke to her daughter out of the side of her mouth. “Can you tell her I don’t understand a word she’s saying and that she needs to calm down?”
“Abuela, no te entiende.”
Jared stood there, still holding Emery’s hand. He stared back at his mother. “I can’t do this anymore Mom, and if you’re not going to do anything about it, I am. I mean I already have, but I’m not gonna stop. I don’t think it’s right that he’s here.”
“Well, maybe not, but I don’t know why you don’t talk to me about it. Why did you have to tell the bishop? And why did you get your grandmother involved. That’s possibly—”
“Talk to you about it? Haven’t I tried Mom?” Jared’s face started to turn red. He looked down at his little sister, let go of her hand and turned back to his mother. “I’m going downstairs to tell Dad he’s dead.”
“Jared, I can’t live without your father.”
Jared stopped. He turned back to face his mother. “You haven’t even tried.”
He left without saying another word. He went straight to his bedroom without even looking at his dad. He locked his bedroom door and lay face down on the floor. He looked under his bed and saw his shoebox of photographs. He thought of pulling it out but decided he didn’t want to move. He stared at the box until he fell asleep. It seemed like a matter of seconds and then suddenly his father was knocking on the door, telling him to come and eat. Eating together like one big happy family was the last thing Jared wanted to do right now. “I’m not hungry.” He rolled over and let out a soft sigh of exhaustion. He was tired.
“Come on Jer. We’re waiting for you to say the prayer.”
He slowly sat up and walked to the door, trying to open it before remembering it was locked. His dad was standing right outside. They walked to the kitchen, Antony putting his arm on Jared’s shoulder. They sat down; Eva blessed the food despite Grandma’s grumbling. Jared had a very little appetite but he ate one piece of chicken and some green bean casserole. Both tasted black. He kept watching his father who barely touched his food but drank a lot of water. His grandma kept staring at Antony too, shaking her head. Occasionally she would glance at Rachel and mumble under her breath. They ate mostly in silence, and Jared was glad. As soon as he had finished he got up and put his dishes in the sink. Without excusing himself, he returned to his bedroom. He sat down on his bed and thought about how his father hadn’t eaten anything. His dad hadn’t really eaten much for a few days now.
In fact, Jared’s dad hadn’t eaten solid food for a week. He had been throwing up everything he ate for nearly a month now. At first he thought it was the flu. Normally Antony was the stubborn type, refusing to see the doctor under any circumstances. He could get over a little flu virus without the hundreds of dollar help from a doctor. But he was finally starting to worry it was something more serious. The next day, when his wife was at work and the kids at school, he decided to go see a doctor. Unfortunately their family doctor was out of town. He looked up a Dr. Jenkins. He called his mother and asked her for a ride. She of course said no; actually she said “Ay, déjanos en paz,” and hung up the phone. So he called a cab.
The cab driver was strange. He smelled like peanuts and every word he spoke was nearly indecipherable. It all sounded muffled. When he arrived at the doctor’s office, Antony took a seat in the waiting room and felt right at home. Here everyone was pale and sickly. Here everyone smelled funny. Here everyone coughed and threw up. He had been trying to conceal his own coughing and vomiting fits for a long time now.
When he finally went in to see the doctor, he explained his symptoms: constant coughing, vomiting after every meal, his facial hair had suddenly stopped growing, and he was always cold. Then the really interesting stuff: he couldn’t remember the last time he had used the bathroom, standing up or sitting down.
“Mmhmm…” The doctor had listened intently, asking Antony the occasional question about his illness. It took Antony a long time to realize he was being patronized. The doctor had him remove his shirt and went to listen to Antony’s heartbeat, but was distracted by a large cut just above Antony’s collarbone on the right side. It was a long incision and it looked as if it had been stitched up at home.
“Where did that come from?”
Antony looked down at what looked like a fresh incision. It hadn’t healed a bit. “I don’t know. It’s been like that for about a month or so now thought.”
“Interesting. The Doctor grabbed some alcohol swabs and began to dab at the wound. It’s strange that it hasn’t healed at all. And you don’t remember how you got it?”
“No.”
“Did you try and stitch it up yourself?”
“No.”
“Has it ever bled?”
“Nope.”
“Hmmm…Well, I’m going to send in a nurse to put some gauze on there before we do anything else. I think we’ll try and run a blood test as well. If you’ve been throwing up regularly for a month, you may be pregnant,” he said jokingly. Antony faked a laugh. He hated needles and didn’t like the sound of a blood test.
The doctor left the room and a few minutes later, a nurse named Beth was putting a bandage on his chest. “I guess we’re going to draw some blood.” She didn’t seem too remorseful which didn’t make Antony feel much better. After covering his wound with some Neosporin, she wrapped a thick elastic band around Antony’s left upper arm, tying it tightly. She pulled a small vial with a needle attached from the drawer. “Don’t worry you won’t feel a thing.” She had some trouble finding a vein and noticed his skin was very cold. She finally found a spot just below Antony’s elbow and sunk the needle into his arm. Beth was right, Antony didn’t feel a thing. She slowly drew the blood from his arm; it seemed really thin and looked more like a dark pink than a red. She didn’t know what to think, but she didn’t want to alarm him so she acted as if everything was normal. In the hall she tried to show the doctor the blood sample; he didn’t want to see it.
“He’s faking it anyway. He says he hasn’t urinated or defecated in a month. If that were the case, he’d be dead by now. The only thing wrong with that man is the cut on his neck.” The doctor said to send the blood to the lab for testing anyway; they could figure it out down there. A few minutes later he sent Antony home with his general rehearsed speech. “We’ll give you a call in a few days to schedule another appointment, once we get the tests back. For now, just get lots of rest and keep eating. Fluids are the most important thing. They should help flush out your system.”
Antony left, not feeling any better about his situation. Dr. Jenkins hadn’t been too concerned about what Antony considered to be some very serious symptoms. Then again, he wasn’t a regular patient so the doctor probably didn’t care too much. He took a cab home again and got there just a few minutes before Jared’s school bus pulled up in front of the house.
Jared got off the big yellow bus. As he walked up the driveway, he stared at the long green grass in his front yard. He should probably mow the lawn before his dad tried to do it. He pulled his key out of his backpack and reached for the door to unlock it. Antony opened the door before he had the chance. “Hey Jer.” Jared instantly started to panic. He felt tense and hot. His palms went clammy.
“Hi Dad. How’s it going?”
“Pretty good; how was your day?”
“Not bad.” His dad opened the door all the way, letting him into the house. Jared went straight to his bedroom to get rid of his backpack and to collect his thoughts.
“Any homework tonight?” his dad asked, half yelling, from the living room.
“Yeah, a little bit.” Jared opened the letter he had written to his father. He read over it, refreshing his mind with the things he wanted to say. The words crash, Mom, hate, and leave alone particularly caught his eye. He folded it up and put it in his back pocket.
He went to the kitchen and found some tuna in the fridge. He decided to make himself a sandwich. He put two slices of bread in the toaster and waited. Antony snuck into the kitchen. He crept up behind Jared who was fascinated watching the red coils of the toaster.
“Boo!”
Jared jumped and nearly said something he wouldn’t have wanted his father to hear. His dad thought he was so funny. Jared tried hard to find the humor in the situation. Normally he would have laughed. However, right now, he was not in the mood. “Hey Dad, can we talk?”
“Sure Jer. What’s up? Do you need some help with your Spanish again or something?”
“No Dad, I’ve just been kind of down lately. And the other day, you said that you wanted to talk more too. So…I want to talk.”
“Okay. Well, what’s wrong?”
“Dad, remember the first morning you came.”
“What?”
Oh yeah, Dad wouldn’t know what that meant would he? “The last time you made pancakes?”
“Yes.”
“Well that morning I asked you about an accident. Do you remember?”
“Yeah. Kind of.”
The toast popped up and Jared took the two slices out of the toaster—burnt, black. He spread the tuna across his toast. “Well Dad, you were in a car accident. I know you don’t remember but you have to trust me.”
“Jer, I think I would remember, and I don’t even have so much as a scratch on my…” He stopped and immediately reached his left arm up to his collarbone.
Jared watched him rub it back and forth. “Dad, why do you think Mom won’t let you out of the house?”
“Well I hadn’t really thought about it.”
“Dad, you haven’t left the house in a month and you haven’t really thought about it? Mom will only let you apply for jobs online. Doesn’t that seem a little weird to you? You get ‘laid off’ and it’s almost like Mom doesn’t even want you to get another job—”
“Jared, breathe.”
“—We won’t even let you go to church; I mean we’re running out of excuses here Dad, and you say you haven’t even thought about it.”
“Well, I…Emery has been sick.”
“No she hasn’t dad.”
“Well then why…”
“Think about it Dad; whether you’ve thought about it before or not, think about it now. Why do you think we’ve kept you locked up in the house for so long?”
Antony looked into his son’s eyes, his own eyes. They stared back at him in desperation. Jared suddenly felt sick to his stomach. He smelled something very unpleasant. He waited for his father to speak.
Antony shuffled awkwardly. He walked over to the sink and looked out the window above it. “So you’ve all been purposefully keeping me inside?”
“Yep.”
“I thought it was just to save money on Emery’s daycare.”
“Well of course you did. That’s what we told you. You could stay home and watch Emery while you looked for a job. That way we’d save a little extra money from the day care until you could find something. Right?”
“Right.”
“Well have you heard back from a single job yet? Has Mom asked you how the job hunt is going? I mean honestly Dad, hasn’t everyone seemed a bit distant lately?”
“Well now that your mention it, your mother hasn’t been talking to me much.”
Antony looked at the tile floor. He leaned back against the counter and just stood there. Jared had finished his sandwich and had lost his patience. He felt like the parent here. He looked at his dad who was obviously incapable of realizing that it was weird his wife wouldn’t talk to him about anything significant. You’d think he’d have at least thought about it. He looked at his dad the way a son does when he realizes for the first time that his father isn’t perfect. Why doesn’t he just use some common sense? Jared stared at his dad who was still looking down at the floor; he appeared to be deep in thought. Maybe he’ll figure it out.
“So what are you trying to say Jer? Is your mom mad at me? Are you all mad at me?”
“I don’t know Dad, I…I have to go.” Jared walked past his father and into his bedroom. He closed the door, locking it behind him. Then he slowly backed up against it. He reached his hand down to the back pocket of his jeans. He pulled out the yellow piece of paper—the letter to his father—and he began to rip it up. He watched himself tear, unable to control his fingers. Little yellow squares rained down on the brown carpet. Then came the tears. He had felt them coming in the kitchen. He plopped himself down on his bed and let them fall on his white pillowcase. Antony came to the door and knocked lightly. Jared ignored him and kept crying.
Jared woke up to the sound of his parents arguing in the kitchen.
“Keeping you locked up? What are you talking about?”
“Well, it hasn’t worked, in fact I went to the doctor’s office today.”
“You what?”
Jared thought the same thing. He what? Jared sat up and listened harder.
“Why did you go to the doctor’s office? Are you sick?” There was a definite worried tone in Rachel’s voice.
“I’ve been throwing up and…that’s not the point. The point is you’ve been holding me hostage in my own home. I’ll be going to look for a job starting next Monday so you had better get Emery back to the daycare. I’m going to church on Sunday too.”
“Do you really think that’s a good idea if you’re sick?”
“I’m not sick. The doctor didn’t even look at me. So I guess I’m fine.”
“Well,” Rachel hesitated. Jared wondered what she would say. “I’ll give the daycare a call.”
A few seconds later, there was a knock on Jared’s door.
He lay back down. “Come in.” He heard the knob turn but no one entered.
“It’s locked.”
Jared went to unlock the door, preparing himself for his mother’s wrath. She entered the room and closed the door behind her.
Jared sat down on the bed, he hadn’t even looked at her yet. She had her hands in her hair, scrunching it nervously. “I don’t know what to do with you Jared. Do you realize how hard you are making this? I let the first two go, but when you start telling your dad what we’ve been doing…” She sighed. Exhausted and stressed, she didn’t want to deal with him right now. “You’re going to the fathers and sons on Friday. Your dad’s making dinner. Now, I’m going to take a nap. I’d appreciate it if you could not mention to your father, or to anyone else for that matter, that he is a ghost. I’ll talk to you later.”
###
Friday at school Jared decided to leave. He would just not go home. Maybe he’d ride the school bus as far as it would take him and then just walk. Maybe he would get on the wrong bus and end up across town. Maybe he’d go to a friend’s house without permission. Anything would work, as long as there was no way for his family to find him until Saturday. He spent all day thinking of ways he could run away, but after school he got on the bus anyway. He told himself he was a chicken, but really running away would have been the chicken thing to do. He couldn’t ignore this anymore.
As he climbed the three steps up the porch, Jared saw his dad in the window. He was sitting at the kitchen counter. Emery was sitting on the floor beside him playing with a red toy car. Jared was disappointed in himself. He wanted to be anywhere but here right now. He reluctantly opened the door and walked into the front room. Antony looked up at him and forced a smile. “Hey bud,” he said. “What did you do in school today?”
“Math.” Jared didn’t feel very talkative and his dad was obviously in a less than happy mood already. He pat Emery on the head, passing her on his way to his bedroom. He threw his backpack on the floor and turned on the TV. Divorce Court. Some guy leaving his wife because she was too controlling. He didn’t want to watch anything, but he wanted to appear busy. He would have changed the channel but he had already sat down. Emery had followed him to his room. She walked clumsily to his bed. He looked down at her as she drove her shiny car back and forth along the edge of the bed.
“Jared, do you wanna go shopping to get some food for tonight?”
Jared shouted back to his father in the kitchen. “Can’t we just take something we have here?”
Emery made car noises. “I guess,” Antony replied.
A few minutes later, Antony asked another campout question. Jared didn’t want to answer that one either, something about propane for the stove. He chose to just ignore it. He stared at the TV, watching a woman scream at the judge, her mouth open wider than any person’s mouth should ever be open. He blocked out the sound and found it much more entertaining.
After a few minutes, he went to get a drink. His father appeared to be humming along with the dishwasher. Jared prayed he wouldn’t mention the campout again.
“Do we have enough sleeping bags for the four of us?”
“I don’t know Dad. Maybe you should go check.” He slammed his cup into the water dispenser on the fridge.
“What’s wrong Jer?”
“I don’t want to go to the fathers and sons. That’s what’s wrong.”
“What? Why?”
“Because Dad, it’s stupid.”
“You’ve always liked it before.”
“Yeah, well I don’t want to go this year.”
“Okay. You seemed alright with it the other day.”
“Dad, I don’t wanna talk about it. I’m tired.” He gulped half his glass of water, watching his dad through the bottom of the glass as he stood up and went to the front room.
“I guess I’ll go with the twins then. It’d be a lot more fun if you’d come along though.” He looked hurt. Jared turned to go to his room and heard his father mutter under his breath. “Doesn’t want to talk about it…”
“No Dad, I don’t wanna talk about it and do you know why? Because I’ve tried to talk about it with you and Mom a bazillion times and neither of you will listen to me. You’re clueless, and mom doesn’t care, so why should I talk about it?” Jared felt the tears coming again. He walked to the front room and sat down on the couch facing his father. “You were in a car accident a month and a half ago Dad. You died.”
“Jared—”
“No, Dad, listen to me. You were killed and then you just show up after the funeral and make some pancakes, and then Mom just expects us to be happy with it. But I’m tired of—”
“Jared. I don’t know why you’d make something like this up, but I have been talking to your mother and she thinks—”
“Mom…” he chose his words carefully, “Mom doesn’t understand. And I will not go to the fathers and sons with you because you’re not my father. When you died,” he choked on those words and began to tear up, “Mom wouldn’t let us look at you. She didn’t want us to remember you lying in a coffin, cold and motionless. She wanted us to remember you alive and well, happy. And you’re not the happy dad I remember. I want you to leave me alone.” Tears were pouring down his face now. Antony looked as if he had just been punched in the throat. Clearly he was beyond depressed.
He looked at Jared’s hands. They were shaking. The only sound was Jared’s quick short gasps of air as he tried to hold back his sobs. Antony stood up and without a word went to the kitchen. He started coughing and ran to the sink. It sounded like he was dry heaving. Jared stood up and went to see what was going on. Antony was bent over the sink. He had turned on the water and was cupping it into his mouth with his hands.
“Are you okay?”
Antony didn’t answer. The phone rang. Jared turned to grab it.
“Don’t,” Antony said harshly.
Jared backed away from the phone while Antony wiped his mouth with the dish towel and picked up the phone.
“Hello.”
A woman’s voice responded.
“This is him.”
Jared strained to hear the words the woman was saying. “Mr. Mortenson, we found some interesting results with your blood. It appears there was formaldehyde in your blood sir. Umm…we ran the test three times—”
“Thank you.” Antony said, dropping the phone to the floor. He turned to Jared and repeated himself. “Thank you.”
###
When Rachel came home, she found the phone on the kitchen floor. The repetitive beeping had been going for at least an hour. Jared was in his room with Emery rolling her car across the carpet.
“Where’s Dad?” she asked.
Jared looked up at his mother, unsure what to say.
“Papi go bye bye.” Emery said as she continued to roll her car back and forth across the floor.
